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[ website | The darker side of ducks. ]
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Second Night Out. [03 Sep 2006|09:16pm]
[ mood | Confused ]

So, after the somewhat painful experience that was last weekend I found myself at a bit of a loss for what to do last night. After consultation it seemed that only myself and Lev were free so Snakes on a Plane it was, with a potential attempt at the Redbrick meetup if I thought I could manage it.

So, Snakes on a Plane then. Best worst movie ever. Not much else to be said about it really.

Right, so onward then. To McDonalds to placate my empty stomach with crap, make it stop burning. I'm stil not able to hold stuff down properly but involuntary bullemia is preferable to involuntary anorexia. That done, to Doyles.

Doyles. God do I hate that place. Ah well, it's where all the Redbrick stuff is on, for whatever stupid reason. Anyway, we turned up, everyone was supprised to see us. There were a few "over the shoulder" looks given but apart from that I was largely ignored. Some attempts at conversation were made but I swiftly realised that I didn't give a crap about anyone there and the appearence had been made. Added to the fact that I was now feeling about ready to make a run for the bathroom to purge the McDonalds filth I called it. I managed a whole 15 minutes in a room with her. Good work me! *cough*

Anyway, after that we were kinda bored. Wondered if anything would be starting late in Cineworld but no luck there. Nothing for it but Fibbers. We were expecting it to be just the two of us sitting in a corner, me moping and Lev trying to cheer me up.


Turns out that the vast majority of the people who used to frequent the place waaaaaay back when I started going there had decided to turn up, along with Simon, Steve, Eric, Spencer, Woody and Loec knows how many others. I wasn't left alone for more than a few seconds at any time, and if I was it was due to me being in the bathroom or running to the dance floor. And I wasn't alone there for long at any time. Spent a decent chunk of the night lying on Sorcha's lap being petted and offereing vague comforts for her indistinct problem (it may have been the one she later mentioned, she didn't say). Dance like a demented Harlequin again. Definitely Cegorach inspiring it this time, else some very naughty things would have been done with a certain someone who managed to catch my eye (at least, I think she was trying to, but meh). I realy wanted to go for it but it really wouldn't have been fair to either of us. I'm still a million little spinning fragments of confusion, and my soul still hasn't found it's way back yet. Ah well. Still, music was even better than normal, the company was good and I had a fucking good time of it. I never realised how much I missed my mouth tasting like ash after a night out, although having a chest infection means that it was probably a bad time to start smoking again. Dancing to Nancy Boy and Zero one after the other in Fibber's now ranks as one of the most enjoyable things I've ever done. And yet I can't but help wonder if a certain something would have made it better......

I think I may have scared people a bit when I screamed "Nuclear fire cleanses all hurts, dammit!" as loudly as possible when Pixies was explaining how there would soon be a war big enough for it to be later reffered to as "the war" making the time we were currently enjoying "before the war." Great discussion all round. And a cookie for anyone who guesses what city I want nuked first. Apparently I've got more venom in me than every snake on that plane combined, or so Lev says. I did have to say "I'm not drunk, I'm just bitter" a lot while ranting last night. I'm finding these rants amusing, no matter what they are about anyway.

Anyway, nitelink was it's normal annoying self, I may start getting taxi's again. Ah well. Sleep was not easy in coming, I think I managed to work up a fever. The perils of going out sick I suppose. This morning I saw something hillariousy ironic she said in lobby. I could point it out but it was long past when I saw it and still, wouldn't made the slightest bit of difference. She doesn't actualyl want anyone to lover her, that I know. Two weeks on and I'm still numb. Still in an utter state of shock over this. I hate this.

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God do I want........ [02 Sep 2006|03:22pm]
[ mood | Vengeful ]

Explosives. Lots and lots of explosives. To blow stuff up with. Random stuff. And not so random stuff maybe. We'll see. Someone give me some explosives dammit.

2 comments|post comment

So who am I? [31 Aug 2006|12:56am]
[ mood | Tearful ]

I don't really know. I can list things about me, things that I like, that I hate, how I react to things or how I feel but what does any of this mean? Nothing really, I think, as none of it is *me* per-se.

How about my writings? My characters? Are they me? Not in full. They are parts of me, tiny, tiny parts. Maybe when everyone in that world's life has been detailed in it's entirety will I know who I am. I hope not, that'll take forever.

I suppose my feelings are the best measure of who I am. I'm not entirely unhappy with my emotional responses to things, I don't mind reacting with an instant wish for violence when something goes against me, I don't mind being down when I've got a good reason. I do hate being down for no reaon though, and I really hate the way I can almost never cry by myself. Nothing tops the immediate urge to get sick when I think of her though, if anything *that* I would change (although who doesn't love crying until you get sick?). And hopefully it will change eventually.

What does that make me? A psychotic depressive. Can't say I have a problem with that really, except for this one niggling little thing. AH well. I'm also co-dependant, Which, yeah, rally sucks. But theres something really comforting in just being there with that someone, a warmth that I've never found anything close to elsewhere. I miss it, more than anything else really. Except the obvious, but that's a given, as this is but a part of that. Etc. ARGHFUCKINGWHINEWHYARGH!

I think this question is too big for today. I can't answer it just yet, I don't have what I need to do it. I thought, for a while, I knew who I was, but that changed.

By the way, does anyone know how to unsubscribe to a blog on myspace? I don't really have any need to know how fucking perfect someone's life is sans moi.... (yes, I know, pretentious. But when am I not?). Tips are much obliged. I would just ditch myspace entirely, except for Cerri I've got everyone I give half a crap about there elsewhere aswell.

Okay. Now I'm crying. That's something at least.

6 comments|post comment

Bloggin' my life away. [30 Aug 2006|09:46pm]
Well, I've decided to start blogging properly. Not that I have anything useful to say or anythting, I just think that regular writing will help me to think about things around me, maybe make sense of it all. I know that's no all that likely to happen but meh, we'll see. It will, obviously, kep me writing, which is in itself a good thing. I need to practice more, just so I get into the habit of writing every day or so. I need to finish something substantial to submit.

Anyway, the future, on the surface, looks bright. Much like an oil spill reflects all the sunlight, choking the waters below. There are a few potential situations developing which may turn out to be beneficial to me. I no longer worry about having to repeat a year, if it happens it happens, I'll make the best of it and get myself back into shape. I shall go fencing every session I can and return to the standard I was at way back when, I may join the American Football team, just for the hell of it. And I shall dance.

I've decided to learn to dance properly, in my own way you see. I've got some sense of movement, even if I do dance to the beat of my own drum and that drum is being played by an epileptic under a strobe-light. But fuck it, it's fun. And it seems to bring me closer to Cegorach or Slaanesh, so much so that I can almost feel whichever it is dancing with me, in me. Either way, I adore the feeling, even if it does leave me out of it for days.

I have two big art projects I'm currently working on, one is my Harlequin mask. I'll take stage by stage photos as soon as I complete the greenstuffing. The other I shall leave a secret until it is complete and has been presented. It's something along the lines of what I did before, for Jade, but not quite the same. There's a lot more deliberate symbolism in this one, although I think the value of it may all be lost since I shan't explain. Ah well, a little futility has never stopped me before.

I may finally get around to starting a band, as Lev sems to be pretty enthusiastic about it all. I think we should steal Paul's name and call it "RocketHamster" for shits and giggles. What? It makes sense to me.

I miss sex. Not that I'm actually in any way horney or anything, just that I miss the closeness of it.

Damn universe.
6 comments|post comment

So where am I? [29 Aug 2006|08:26pm]
[ mood | Resigned. ]

Well, that's a tough question. On one hand there's the simple answer, "where I always was" which, in it's own way, is perfectly accurate. Then we have the more complex answers. Well. I'm lost. Utterly lost, if not utterly alone. There are some people who are hanging on to me but at this stage it's a pretty tenuous hold they've got on me. Some are holding better than others.

I think I know why what happened did. I can't say I can ever see the reasons changing. If they could then they wouldn't be issues in the first place. She seems happy with who she is and who she's going to be so I suppose I can't complain really. I know I'm not happy with either of those things, for myself or her. Not my problem anymore I suppose. Even if it is in a way.

Anyway, I said I would always love her and I know I will. I don't think there will ever be a time I can think of her without feeling just a little sick inside. Will I make it through all this without utterly detesting her? I doubt it. Will that make me stop loving her entirely? I hope not, as that would shake the foundation of my beliefs a bit more than I can take right now.

Ah well, time to turn away. It's hard to do it when I've invested so much but I know I cant afford to invest any more in her. It felt like we were together for a week and at the same time like we'd always been together. In my mind it was perfect. Not in hers though. Which makes sense, now that I think of it. She still owns my soul but she won't take my life too. I need to get myself sorted out and I can't wait around for her to come back to me before I do that. Someday, maybe, she'll understand what I understand and then we'll see what happens. I won't keep looking over my shoulder, hoping for her to be there trying to catch up. But I will check the rear view mirror once in a while, just in case.

Now to actually do this *sigh* Wish me luck.

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First night out [27 Aug 2006|10:09pm]
Okay, here's the premise: Everytime someone get's dumped we all go ouit to Fibber's and try pick them up a skank. It's a time honoured tradition that more often than not ends with everyone going home early and no skanks being picked up.

Last night was the first time I was the hunter on a skank hunt in almost four years. Here's what I learned:

1: I'm still as good at jsut walking up to someone and starting to talk.
2: I really like dancing, if I can get myself over the embarassment of doing so.
2a: I dance like an epileptic, I hurt the next day and apparently I'm rather feminine when doing so. No shock there.
3: Girls are much the same as they always were.
4: Guy are not. The guys last night were scarily territorial, small groups would form towards the begining of the night and these groups would be protected fiercly by the males within them. It was rather amusing to watch actually, although I eventually did get bored and decide to make a break into them.
5: Eric is famous.
6: Girls are pathetically transparent. I apparently am not. Nor are they particularly observant. One in particular didn't seem to realise that I was deliberately playing up the manic episode I was "enjoying" to annoy her. Took her a good half hour to give up and just leave. Humerously she was incredibly dismissive of me as I didn't know "any of her friends" although I had no-idea who she was and she was alone when I started talking. Then it turned out I knew most of them, from several years before she was even in the country. I got stared daggers. Entertainingly she's in DCU doing Eric's course, hence #5. This year may be interesting.
7: Finally, I am not ready to do this whole "being out again" thing. My sanity is too fragile and the urge to go home and cry myself to sleep almost overpowering at times.

And with that I conclude my earlier assumption was correct: pubs are no place to go to get solace when you're in torment, no place to find that special someone and no place for me to be left alone when I've got nervvous energy to burn off.

In short: yes, the pub scene sucks.
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A Scanner Darkley [25 Aug 2006|10:38am]
If you value your eyes intact and pain-free avoid it at all costs.
Wouldn't be a bad idea if you don't like psuedo-philosoiphical internal monologues and barely humerous stoner talk. Mucho sucko. Events immediately afterwards have prevented me from thinking about how bad it actually was until now. Good story, piss poor execution.
2 comments|post comment

[21 Aug 2006|03:07pm]
I am dump-ed. Freedom! Horrible, horrible freedom! Why must it burn so? More to come, depending how bitter I feel.
1 comment|post comment

Incidentally [03 Aug 2006|02:13pm]
On the 15th of august I got my ear pierced finally.
5 comments|post comment

[26 Jun 2006|10:36am]
My dad has jury duty this week. I almost feel sorry for whatever skanger has him on their jury. Almost.
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I should really stop reading these at work........ [22 Jun 2006|10:51am]
Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
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[19 Jun 2006|07:42pm]
Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
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[15 Jun 2006|04:22pm]

What does your mind look like? (Cool Surreal PICS)

You are: Insane. You have officially crossed the barriar between Sane and Insane and live in a mixed up little world of your own...
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

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Random gaming quote yoinkage [07 Jun 2006|02:20pm]
"He's in the middle of transforming himself into Vecnarr, the lich-pirate. He's currently scouring the planes for an eyepatch and hook of suitable power for him."

"When I was your age, the multiverse didn't have portals. We called Sigil "the City of Halls", because all of it's vaunted planar pathways were just long sodding hallways that led to the various corners of the planes."
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Yoinkage [07 Jun 2006|09:38am]
01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink It was just me and my GF in the pub but still.....
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
8. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne - tipsy
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse many a time.......
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb After a bit of a chase yes.
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse I technically did, although it was cloudy.
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced too often.
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied with my current existance... yes, I am satisfied.
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country Both of us were in a foreign country. And it didn't end with dancing ;p
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe Sort of..... even if it was at home, kinda.
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland Ye know, I'm doing that right now.......
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them.
66. Visited Japan - though I'm not sure if hopping on the way to China really counts as "visiting" as it was not our intended destination. Was there though.
67. Bench pressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow I think I have.
69. Alphabetized your records/cds
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain It's not so much fun as I was led to believe.
77. Played in the mud what exactly do you mean by that? Well..... nevermind.
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Sword fought for the honor of a woman Yes, she claimed she was insulted by my insistance that I was a better fencer than her. Turns out I was.
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie Yes, but I made it with my mates, sort of.
92. Crashed a party I've been known to.
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have should you ever love the ones you do?
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy - this one I have no idea about.
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days Yep, last week or so.
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on it depends what you mean by "material."
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live - I so want to.
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone technically yes.
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off It was scratchy.
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone It's sort of implied....
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror Show
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over.
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did Technically yes, but it was before my time and just a pill.
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived. Many a time.
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart A few apparently. Some I'm proud of, one not so much.
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job - laid off
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing Except for a brief period of consciousness required to tell the hostesss to "fuck off, I don't want your fucking drinks. Damn sleep-monsters."
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours A few times.
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states By just a tad.....
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper You'd be supprised how often that's happened to me for someone who dodges cameras.
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about I've done it once or twice, but never particularly drastically.
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name I didn't but due to a technicallity it has been changed. Sort of.
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them No, but I did jsut because so that counts.
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch Yep.
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt Yes. And then made it worse.
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language yes. BUt it wasn't pleasant.
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game a few of them.
200: Been arrested - I'm too good to get caught ;p
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Hero [29 May 2006|01:54pm]
I finally saw it. I was supprised to find myself really enjoying the story and visually it was amazing...... as long as they stood still. Any movement at all and I started to find my patience slipping. I did laugh rather hard at a few moments which were supposed to be serious (such as the arrows in the gate, that was just too reminiscent of Mr. Bean to not be hillarious) so I suppose I didn't "get it." Still, it's worth a look if you haven't already, which comign from me may be interpreted as high praise.
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[24 May 2006|06:32pm]
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Very High

Take the Dante's Inferno Test
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Since it will dissappear after the forum update: [05 May 2006|01:07pm]
Personally I really like coming into a world with absolutely no pre-convieved notions of it. I mean, when I was 15 I had a pretty good idea of how the general pollitical structure of earth was formed, where things were in relation to me and what kinds of things went on in what places. Now I'm just a little bit older (21) and I've travelled around a bit. I've realised that even in this tiny little country there is signifigant room for diversity that I simply did not even consider would exist when I was younger. I realise that other countries are not the homogenous masses which they appeared to be to my younger self. I am now aware of the basque region for example, and the movement to seperate Italy into soverign north and south nations. (It's small, but it does exist). I've learned how long it actually takes to walk across the country, how to get by where you don't speak the language, ways of stretching your money so you survive for a week on what would normally last you a day., how to get lost and how to fiund yourself again. Why should my character be any different? Starting out at level one he or she is going to be as wet behind the ears as I was, half the fun of the game is not just overcoming the challenges that you are presented with but learning from them and using that information to overcome later ones. That's what I like to call "character growth."

For example: One of my fondest memories of gaming is from a home brew campaign, where hippogriffs were rather rare and our party's bard rolled a one for her bardic knowledge checka after we heard the enemy were using them as mounts. By complete fluke the player (who had not played 3.5 at all previously, nor looked at the monster manual since 2nd ed) ended up describing a grick perfectly as a sort of joking attempt to RP the botch (he had a history of doing this, my pegasus mount was never the same after she went looking for it's gills.....). We couldn't really see how this would work as a mount but hey, it was all we had to go on at the time. So in we went loaded for tentacle monster with predictable results against flying predators.

Even now, several years on, the word "hippogrick" makes us all fall over laughing.

The point of all this is that if we were assumed to have a basic level of knowledge of the common monsters and acted accordingly we would have missed out on some very entertaining moments. So instead we took nothing about the world for granted and it paid off. It's far better to see the world through the wide eyes of a green adventurer than a jaded veteran mercenary . We later became jaded veteran mercenaries in that campaign, but not until a we had reached double figures in levels, at which point we had seen enough of the world to realise that a blonde dwarf was a duergar, elves were soluble in ale and kobolds have remarkably high libidos.
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Slither [02 May 2006|10:41am]
Pretty decent gross-out comedy. A few good lines well delivered and the usual alien/tentacle monster jokes. Not really worth making a huge effort to see in the cinema, it'll be much of a muchness on the small screen. Good laugh anyway.
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Silent Hill [24 Apr 2006|01:55pm]
Possibly the best horror film I've ever seen really. Cheesy dialogue but not that much talking throughout so hey, it works. The tension is played perfectly and visually it's amazing. Go see it.
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