lorienlai (lorienlai) wrote,

Been a while, time to update.

First, psychiatrist has been seen. I was put on pills. Cipramil for those of you who are interested. After five days of nauseating agony and not eating playing merry hell with my immune system I just quit them. Gave the doctor a call, he's going to put me on something different. Hurrah. To be perfectly honest, they were literally killing me. I couldn't eat for almost four days and puking up my stomach lining was very much the last straw. So I called it.

I'm empty. Completely empty. I now understand what vampire meant when it stated that "you have no emotions, only the memory of how they feel." Sad huh? Yeah. I've got nothing left to give. Whatever it is that allows people to pick themselves up after a knock and start over I lack. I must have slept in that day. Like almost every day really. Ah well.

It's funny though, thinking about it. I'm yet another step closer to being Arquinsiel. Not necessarily a good thing. It is still kind of funny. I've got that detached, almost emotional, violent frame of mind now. All I need, really, are the skills to pull his acts off and the courage to not care for consequences. Maybe not courage, maybe I just need to care less. We'll see. I realised last night that my emotional shields are back up. That's a good thing. Hopefully this time I'll manage to avoid letting someone horribly destructive inside them. Weirdly, I've found my confusion and self-doubt about the whole thing crystalising into a small ball of utter hatred for someone. Seems like I was lied to. Shocking eh? Who would have seen that coming? Ah well. Yeah, it so wasn't worth it when examined objectively. Sure there were a few good things but the majority of the relationship was so incredibly one sided that I'm justified in wondering if it was her that sucked everything right out of me, leaving me this emotionless shell that I am now.

On a similar note, time to publicly apologise for being shitty to someone. Not that she'll read this. Even so, someone probably will, and it'll get back there. You know who I'm talking about. Yeah.

Played the first game of Warhammer Fantasy I've played since I quit working in GW. My Druchii MSU against Johnjo's Asur mess. Utterly slaughtered him. Black horror cast with Irresistable Force twice in one game makes High Elves cry (or it would, were their eyes not ripped out of their heads by a shrieking could of daemons which tore them to pieces).

It's odd, I can tell you exactly what I am, in great detail. Sometimes even with diagrams. Yet I'm still no closer to knowing who I am. Fucking w00t eh? Overall, this could have been far more coherent and far less ranty than it finally ended up being. Ah well.
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